Deitrick has 14 albums to his name
Come Into This House was number one and wasn't lame
Trying to Live The Life is not a game
This Is My Story did the world acclaim
I been saved by the Chainbreaker am no longer in shame
With Nu Hymnz the hymns are not the same
The Supernatural God can't be put in a frame
I am Lost And Found now I found a father in Jesus
Been at Crossroads even been at mass
Voices Of Unity: All Star Edition was at the top of its class
Just The Hits sounds good with the high on bass
7 Days without prayer is like fire without gas
Together in Worship we praise the Father up above
By His death Jesus Revealed the eternity curve
Blessed & Cursed shows us His divine love
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
KIDS!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME.'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME.'
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Differences between men and women.....LOL!
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.
She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
"What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so......'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
"That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, __expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
"What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so......'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
"That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, __expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
Monday, February 8, 2010
50 more Jack bauer facts.....
1. Ordinary people have panic attacks. Chuck Norris has Jack Bauer's attacks!
2. Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Jack Bauer
3. If Jack Bauer was Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
4. There was no best man at Jack Bauer's wedding, Jack Bauer is always the best man.
5. When Chuck Norris and Superman have sleep overs, they argue over who has the cooler Jack Bauer Pajamas...
6. Kiefer Sutherland drinks to forget all the terrible things Jack Bauer has done.
7. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
8. Jack Bauer doesn't need to search the internet, he just stares a computer down until it gives him the information he needs.
9.Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
10.The Boogieman checks his closet for Jack Bauer
11. After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.
12. Jack Bauer doesn't drink honey, he chews bees.
13. Jack Bauer's cell phone never runs out of battery because the cell phone doesnt want to be mistaken for helping the terrorist.
14.Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
15.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
16. Jack Bauer doesn't read a book. He tortures it until he has all the information he needs.
17. Jack Bauer doesn't dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Jack Bauer.
18. Jack Bauer doesn't cut his grass, he stares at it and dares it to grow.
19. Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
20. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
21. Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
22.Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
23. Jack Bauer once lost reception on his cell phone. 24 hours later AT&T announced that it would have more bars in more places.
24. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
25. Jack Bauer refused a syringe at a blood bank. Instead, he asked for a gun and a bucket
26. Jack Bauer does not run out of ammunition. He simply lets everyone else have their moment to shine.
27. there is no such thing as a lesbian. just people who have not met jack bauer.
28. once Jack had the hiccups. He then put a pistol in his mouth and fired. the hiccups have yet to return
29. Jack Bauer doesn't need a translator, torture sounds the same in every language.
30. Kryptonite is not really from Krypton. It is made from Jack Bauer's crap, that is why it can kill Superman.
31. Harry Houdini is the world's second greatest escape artist. The First is Jack Bauer. I never saw Houdini bite a guy's neck in order to escape.
32.Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
33.Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses as a courtesy to the Sun so it doesn't have to look into his eyes.
34.There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
35. Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle on Saturdays. In pen.
36.Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
37.You can't talk to Jack because: he can't talk now. He'll explain later.
38. When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, his reflection has to look away.
39. During a particularly intense interrogation session, Jack Bauer actually killed a man with his bare eyes.
40.when jack bauer cuts onions, the onions cry
41. Jack Bauer doesn't have a shadow. He noticed that the shadow was sneaking on him and Jack tortured it to death.
42. Popeye eats spinich and throws the can away. Jack Bauer throws the spinich away and eats the can.
43. Jack Bauer can un-scramble an egg
44.jack bauer didn't cry when he was born. but Chuck norris did.
45.Jack Bauer's tears cure cancer...It's too bad Jack doesn't cry
46.When Jack Bauer does a press-up, he isn't pushing himself up....he's pushing the world down.
47.Jack Bauer can make an omelette without breaking any eggs.
48. It takes Jack Bauer 13 minutes to watch 88 minutes.
49. When Jack Bauer was born the doctor tried to slap his ass, but Jack caught his hand and broke his arm in 24 places.
50. In the morning, Jack Bauer doesn't shave, he must kick himself in the face repeatedly. Jack bauer is the only thing hard enough to cut Jack Bauer.
2. Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Jack Bauer
3. If Jack Bauer was Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
4. There was no best man at Jack Bauer's wedding, Jack Bauer is always the best man.
5. When Chuck Norris and Superman have sleep overs, they argue over who has the cooler Jack Bauer Pajamas...
6. Kiefer Sutherland drinks to forget all the terrible things Jack Bauer has done.
7. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
8. Jack Bauer doesn't need to search the internet, he just stares a computer down until it gives him the information he needs.
9.Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
10.The Boogieman checks his closet for Jack Bauer
11. After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.
12. Jack Bauer doesn't drink honey, he chews bees.
13. Jack Bauer's cell phone never runs out of battery because the cell phone doesnt want to be mistaken for helping the terrorist.
14.Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
15.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
16. Jack Bauer doesn't read a book. He tortures it until he has all the information he needs.
17. Jack Bauer doesn't dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Jack Bauer.
18. Jack Bauer doesn't cut his grass, he stares at it and dares it to grow.
19. Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
20. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
21. Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
22.Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
23. Jack Bauer once lost reception on his cell phone. 24 hours later AT&T announced that it would have more bars in more places.
24. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
25. Jack Bauer refused a syringe at a blood bank. Instead, he asked for a gun and a bucket
26. Jack Bauer does not run out of ammunition. He simply lets everyone else have their moment to shine.
27. there is no such thing as a lesbian. just people who have not met jack bauer.
28. once Jack had the hiccups. He then put a pistol in his mouth and fired. the hiccups have yet to return
29. Jack Bauer doesn't need a translator, torture sounds the same in every language.
30. Kryptonite is not really from Krypton. It is made from Jack Bauer's crap, that is why it can kill Superman.
31. Harry Houdini is the world's second greatest escape artist. The First is Jack Bauer. I never saw Houdini bite a guy's neck in order to escape.
32.Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
33.Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses as a courtesy to the Sun so it doesn't have to look into his eyes.
34.There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
35. Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle on Saturdays. In pen.
36.Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
37.You can't talk to Jack because: he can't talk now. He'll explain later.
38. When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, his reflection has to look away.
39. During a particularly intense interrogation session, Jack Bauer actually killed a man with his bare eyes.
40.when jack bauer cuts onions, the onions cry
41. Jack Bauer doesn't have a shadow. He noticed that the shadow was sneaking on him and Jack tortured it to death.
42. Popeye eats spinich and throws the can away. Jack Bauer throws the spinich away and eats the can.
43. Jack Bauer can un-scramble an egg
44.jack bauer didn't cry when he was born. but Chuck norris did.
45.Jack Bauer's tears cure cancer...It's too bad Jack doesn't cry
46.When Jack Bauer does a press-up, he isn't pushing himself up....he's pushing the world down.
47.Jack Bauer can make an omelette without breaking any eggs.
48. It takes Jack Bauer 13 minutes to watch 88 minutes.
49. When Jack Bauer was born the doctor tried to slap his ass, but Jack caught his hand and broke his arm in 24 places.
50. In the morning, Jack Bauer doesn't shave, he must kick himself in the face repeatedly. Jack bauer is the only thing hard enough to cut Jack Bauer.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Bets at the Bar....
Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night having a good time, Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink. As he served the drink Bob spoke up.
"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"
"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"
"Well Jack, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."
Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." So the bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."
Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got." Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over.
Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at jackass? You just lost $1,000!"
"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?"
"Yeah, what about him?"
"Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."
"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"
"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"
"Well Jack, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."
Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." So the bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."
Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got." Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over.
Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at jackass? You just lost $1,000!"
"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?"
"Yeah, what about him?"
"Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."
Blonde and Brunette buy a bull...
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
Stages of Drunkness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
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