Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night having a good time, Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink. As he served the drink Bob spoke up.
"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"
"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"
"Well Jack, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."
Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." So the bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."
Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got." Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over.
Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at jackass? You just lost $1,000!"
"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?"
"Yeah, what about him?"
"Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."
Monday, August 31, 2009
Blonde and Brunette buy a bull...
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
Stages of Drunkness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
| Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock." |
One liners...
I'm not fluent in IDIOT, So please speak slowly and clearly
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong
I think , Therefore we have nothing in common
Stupidity is not a crime, so you're free to go
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list
I hear voices and they don't like you
Those who laugh last thinks slowest
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
It's a catastrophic success.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong
I think , Therefore we have nothing in common
Stupidity is not a crime, so you're free to go
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list
I hear voices and they don't like you
Those who laugh last thinks slowest
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
It's a catastrophic success.
Blond medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letters like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letters like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
WEIGHT LOSS FOR MEN:
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Monday, August 3, 2009
HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources .
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government .
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources .
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government .
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don’t pee on the tree
b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open
e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don’t eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON’T BITE HIM!!
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don’t pee on the tree
b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open
e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don’t eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON’T BITE HIM!!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Illiteracy!!!!
An illiterate woman boarded a plane from Enugu to Abuja in Nigeria . She was booked for an economy class seat. Just after the plane took-off, the woman stood up and went to sit in the first class cabin. The flight attendant went to ask her to go back and sit in economy class because that's where the ticket allowed her to sit but she refused. She had paid and wanted the best seat. Then the attendant informed the Jnr. pilot. The Jnr. pilot went and spoke with the lady and she still refused. Then the Jnr. pilot went to inform the chief pilot. The chief pilot said, I am married to an illiterate I'll go and talk to her. The chief went and whispered some words to the woman and she peacefully stood-up and went to her economy class seat.. The attendant and Jnr. pilot surprisingly asked, sir what did you tell her? The chief pilot said: "Easy guys, I just told her that first class is not going to Abuja, only economy class is"!!!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
FOR THE MEN WHO LOVE THEIR WOMEN......
1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.
Are you remembering this?
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.
KEEP READING
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and
hug her tight so she can't get to her friends. it makes her feel loved.
Are you thinking of someone?
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she's beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.
One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car- it makes her feel protected,
plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
22. Tell her she's your everything - only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies
something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT- so just
hug her
24. Make her feel loved.
25-kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!!!!*
KEEP READING!!
26-don't lie to HER.*
27-DON'T cheat on her.*
28-take her ANYWHERE she wants
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at
work {or school}, and how much you MISS her.
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need
you, just be there so she'll know that she can ALWAYS count on you.*
ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER BECAUSE, IT'S IMPORTANT
31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold YOU too.
32. When you are ALONE hold her close and kiss her.*
33. Kiss her on the CHEEK; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss
her).*
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will
automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin
up and kiss her LIGHTLY.
35. Dont EVER tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If
shes upset, comfort her.
REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT
36. When people DISS her, stand up for her.*
37. Look deep into her EYES and tell her you love her.*
38. Lay down under the STARS and put her head on your chest so she can
listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your fingers together while
you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her HAND.*
40. When you hug her HOLD her in your arms as long as possible*
MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED
41. Call or text her at night to wish her SWEET DREAMS*
42. COMFORT her when she cries and wipe away her tears.*
43. Take her for LONG walks at night.
44. ALWAYS Remind her how much you love her.*
45.sit on top of her and tell her how much u love her and then bend down to
her face and kiss her while sitting on her.
you'll never know when she needs just a lil more love
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.
Are you remembering this?
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.
KEEP READING
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and
hug her tight so she can't get to her friends. it makes her feel loved.
Are you thinking of someone?
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she's beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.
One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car- it makes her feel protected,
plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
22. Tell her she's your everything - only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies
something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT- so just
hug her
24. Make her feel loved.
25-kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!!!!*
KEEP READING!!
26-don't lie to HER.*
27-DON'T cheat on her.*
28-take her ANYWHERE she wants
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at
work {or school}, and how much you MISS her.
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need
you, just be there so she'll know that she can ALWAYS count on you.*
ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER BECAUSE, IT'S IMPORTANT
31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold YOU too.
32. When you are ALONE hold her close and kiss her.*
33. Kiss her on the CHEEK; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss
her).*
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will
automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin
up and kiss her LIGHTLY.
35. Dont EVER tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If
shes upset, comfort her.
REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT
36. When people DISS her, stand up for her.*
37. Look deep into her EYES and tell her you love her.*
38. Lay down under the STARS and put her head on your chest so she can
listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your fingers together while
you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her HAND.*
40. When you hug her HOLD her in your arms as long as possible*
MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED
41. Call or text her at night to wish her SWEET DREAMS*
42. COMFORT her when she cries and wipe away her tears.*
43. Take her for LONG walks at night.
44. ALWAYS Remind her how much you love her.*
45.sit on top of her and tell her how much u love her and then bend down to
her face and kiss her while sitting on her.
you'll never know when she needs just a lil more love
Thursday, June 18, 2009
HUSBAND TECH ISSUES!!!!
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
From Tech Support
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
If all else fails you can always consider installing New Boyfriend 6.9 and Toyboy 6.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support
Kikuyus Go to Heaven....
Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have
some Kikuyus up here and are causing problems. They're swinging on the
pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Savco jeans instead
of
their white robes, they're riding pick up trucks instead of the
chariots,
and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices.
Furthermore,
they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep
crouching
down midway hawking their wings! They have sub-let their mansions and
are
now living in the SQs. They are even attempting talk "atiriri" over
here! I
found some attempting to fit a carrier on the chariot for carrying
"thaara
wa n'gombe " (napier grass) on their way from visits!
The Lord said, 'Kikuyus are Kikuyus. If you want to know about real
problems, call the devil.'
The Devil answered the phone, 'Hello? Hold on a minute.' The Devil
returned
to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having
down there.' The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on
something.'
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, 'I'm
back... Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems
are you having down there?' The Devil said, 'Man I don't believe
this.......Hold on.'
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.. The Devil returned and said,
'I'm
sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.. Those Kikuyus have put out the
fire
and are selling me a match box if I want to light on the fire again!
some Kikuyus up here and are causing problems. They're swinging on the
pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Savco jeans instead
of
their white robes, they're riding pick up trucks instead of the
chariots,
and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices.
Furthermore,
they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep
crouching
down midway hawking their wings! They have sub-let their mansions and
are
now living in the SQs. They are even attempting talk "atiriri" over
here! I
found some attempting to fit a carrier on the chariot for carrying
"thaara
wa n'gombe " (napier grass) on their way from visits!
The Lord said, 'Kikuyus are Kikuyus. If you want to know about real
problems, call the devil.'
The Devil answered the phone, 'Hello? Hold on a minute.' The Devil
returned
to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having
down there.' The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on
something.'
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, 'I'm
back... Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems
are you having down there?' The Devil said, 'Man I don't believe
this.......Hold on.'
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.. The Devil returned and said,
'I'm
sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.. Those Kikuyus have put out the
fire
and are selling me a match box if I want to light on the fire again!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Why Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
New Invention - Drive through ATM
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag , remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card and put all contents back.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
28. Put on Seat belt.
29. Drive away.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag , remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card and put all contents back.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
28. Put on Seat belt.
29. Drive away.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Blonde jokes (no pun intended)
Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning.
He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons. His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I am late."
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge.
The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemon already left for work"
He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons. His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I am late."
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge.
The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemon already left for work"
Friday, May 15, 2009
Words women use:
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Oh, and before we forget ...
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Oh, and before we forget ...
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Friday, May 8, 2009
An engineer charming a lady?
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in Trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of a particular Magnitude from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, my heart differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The tangent of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial fractions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at Parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function. You make my heart Pump like a Turbo diesel engine.
There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of a particular Magnitude from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, my heart differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The tangent of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial fractions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at Parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function. You make my heart Pump like a Turbo diesel engine.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 WHEN...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
7. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
8. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
9. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years in your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #5 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #5 on this list.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
7. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
8. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
9. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years in your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #5 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #5 on this list.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
50 facts about Jack Bauer......
1 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in
gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename
it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No
one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
2 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
3 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack
Bauer.
4 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom
because
his organs are afraid of making him angry.
5 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and
handcuffed
to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have
them
right where I want them."
7 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to
make
Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
8 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack
Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the
bomb was.
9 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would
be called "12".
10 Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid
the world of Communism.
11 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with
it.
12 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one
fools Jack Bauer.
13 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could
bring down the population.
14 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer
killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
15 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack
Bauer has appeared on television.
17 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by
changing
the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack
Bauer.
21 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it
back.
23 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were
getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
25 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
27 American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
29 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack
Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
31 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
33 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as
every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack
Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
35 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.
Don't ask how he did it, he's Jack Bauer.
36 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law:
"Whatever
CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
38 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital,
underwent
emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack
Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
40 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States ,
the
president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the
US/Mexico border.
42 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.
It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
46 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies,
"Previously, on 24..."
47 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a
Bauerwall.
It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever
attacked
Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
48 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make
any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
49 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
50 The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
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