Blonde jokes (no pun intended)

Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning.
He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons. His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I am late."
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge.
The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemon already left for work"

Words women use:

FINE

this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Oh, and before we forget ...

"Whatever"

...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

An engineer charming a lady?

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in Trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of a particular Magnitude from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, my heart differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.

The tangent of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial fractions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set.

The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.

My love, if you do not meet me at Parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

With love from your With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function. You make my heart Pump like a Turbo diesel engine.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

7. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

8. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

9. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years in your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #5 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #5 on this list.

50 facts about Jack Bauer......

1 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in

gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename

it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No

one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

2 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

3 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack

Bauer.

4 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom

because

his organs are afraid of making him angry.

5 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and

handcuffed

to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have

them

right where I want them."

7 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to

make

Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.

8 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack

Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the

bomb was.

9 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would

be called "12".

10 Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid

the world of Communism.

11 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with

it.

12 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one

fools Jack Bauer.

13 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could

bring down the population.

14 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer

killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

15 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack

Bauer has appeared on television.

17 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by

changing

the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack

Bauer.

21 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it

back.

23 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were

getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

25 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

27 American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.

29 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack

Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

31 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

33 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as

every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack

Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

35 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.

Don't ask how he did it, he's Jack Bauer.

36 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law:

"Whatever

CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

38 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital,

underwent

emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack

Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

40 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States ,

the

president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the

US/Mexico border.

42 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.

It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

46 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies,

"Previously, on 24..."

47 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a

Bauerwall.

It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever

attacked

Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

48 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make

any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

49 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

50 The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.